I've got a war in my mind

Inner war. Chaos. Wanting one thing but receiving the other, I often do what I want over what I should. here's a bit about my inner war in terms of my creative self.

Picasso vs. Van Gogh

"Duffy, there are 2 types of designers, the Picassos and the Van Goghs." said to me my lecture after a presentation. "The Picassos- uncomplicated people, they work fast, they're popular, they know the right people, they advance easily. The Van Goghs, well that's another story. They're complicated, have tortuous processes and when they create they're masterpieces not everybody understands because it's different. The mountain to climb is much steeper to climb but the gain is high. You are a Van Gogh"

The dream

I've been having a a recurring dream ever since I was a girl. In the dream I can glide a few centimeters above the ground and am the only one with this ability. I glide among people, and no one notices. Everyone is taking my gliding gift for granted, as if it wasn't special, I do too, just gliding away really fast through a normal world.


Fitting a circle in a corner

"we constantly wonder, how far can we go with a black line and a dot..." said the head of my visual communication department in a presentation. I felt guilty... I did not wonder that. why should I? I have the entire color spectrum of the rainbow, I have shape snd image- who cares about a black line and a dot...?" In my design school, Everyone was doing like black and white geometric design stuff and I was filming a movie where a rag doll is getting raped while devirginized in her doll house. Not many could understand...

Doll house rape movie

Yung hurn

I was reading an interview with yung hurn today, an austrian teenage rapper I love. I knew before hand about the speed in which he works- simply writes down some words, Then his friends produce it for him while smoking some weed than it's a hit. He writes:

"I started freestyling for fun to old-school beats. At a certain point, we started recording tracks. But in a “lol” sense. Just for fun. We put it on Soundcloud and even back then, it just kind of worked—we always had a lot of plays. Strangely, it just happened. We didn’t do anything except hang out, party, do drugs, smoke weed, and whenever we were home, we would record something. Nothing else. And then it became famous."


Article: www.ssense.com pic: @dark_white


Yours truly- the total opposite. Not really sitting in any niche, an artist in a lonely sector of art, taking self portraits using a remote. Investing hours in every detail. And then theres Instagram, oh lord how hard is the climb! How hard is it to get people to comment, to follow, to regram. I often ask myself what it's all worth. I don't believe Van Gogh would have done it better himself. Should I keep it up? Is art worth it?


Image making

Yay- you've made it down. The experience of this one was similar to the "meduza" post, because it required me to lye down with the soldiers on my face making it impossible to see what I was shooting. Did this shoot twice and kept changing angles. I like uploading the photos to the computer and viewing them while shooting- helps me to adjust better. This idea came from the toy soldiers my nephew likes playing with. I attached the soldiers to my face using sticky gue.

This post did not perform well on Instagram- did not get comments -> hence got limited reach -> gain no new followers. I still think it's beautiful.

Outtakes / testing

Just love the BW versions


Of course I can not go through a post without mentioning Lana Del Rey... so here you have her. This time, the inspiration for the caption. BTW I could really use caption help.

© 2020 Harduf Rubin